What Now?

I’m low on energy and motivation. I recently fractured my T1 vertebra at the top of my back and sustained other injuries that are much better this week. I don’t remember what happened but to make is short, I fell and did all this. Inside my living room. I took a lot of Lortab and valium. I think it has messed with my energy and happiness factors.

I will be 62 in June of this year, 2012. I was laid off from my job in December 2011. I was ready for it. Working with court mandated drug addicts who are mostly interested in beating the system became maddening work for me and most of my coworkers. The system of service delivery was not supportive of change nor did they care how burned out we were. In our culture, “helping” people is about numbers to support funding allocation and bottom line about money. We live in a capitalist society. Treatment of people gets in the way of making money now. We are a NOW culture, immediate gratification perpetuated by a media that says get what you want and get it now.

My wife and I and our close friend, Teri, plan on leaving NY State because it is too expensive for old farts to live in. I have been pursuing moving to Canada. That is really difficult at best. Following this injury and some time having to “rest” had lead me to ponder what this last phase of my life is all about. I don’t have children or family that most people seem to dedicate their lives to when they get old in our society. I don’t really have roots anywhere because I have lived all over the place, mostly in NY State, throughout my life. It leaves me feeling lost. Will someone hire me for a few more years at this age? My retirement is not enough to do much with. Dreams of travel are foolish at this point. Where to live and what to do is what I am trying to come up with. I have looked at Canada, Burlington Vt and Asheville, NC. I want to live near other liberal Democrats, especially ones who like other people.

So here I sit, wondering where the road goes when two other people expect me to read the map as we wander. What is it about old age that we are supposed to enjoy? I continue to have nightmares about nursing homes. It’s like I am ending my life before it’s over. Not rational. I seek rational. 

The Big Picture

Are you part of the big picture? Unequivocally, yes you are! Whether you know it or not, you are. What is the big picture?  I have a friend who is into numbers, accounting, banking and such. I said, “What does “the big picture” mean to you?”  She said she didn’t know. After some discussion, I said, you know micro and macro?  She said, “Ohhhh, macro is the big picture!” quite proud of herself for figuring that out.  The big picture is a relative term. To a cell, the body is the big picture. To the doctor, everything that affects the body is part of the big picture. To a birthday, the life time is the big picture. To a person the family is the big picture. To the family the community is the big picture. To the community the state and country are big pictures. You get it. Why discuss this? Because the smaller your picture is, the more angst you experience. The more your life is all about YOU, the less happiness and fulfillment you will have. You are just a particle of the big picture that you exist in.  You are just one piece of the puzzle. 

I am agnostic and mostly atheist. I totally support my friends who believe in God however.  I love their faith and am jealous of it. I am at peace with my brief existential minute on this planet however. My spirituality includes being aware of all peoples and touching them if I can. It includes looking at the big picture consistently. When I talk to my clients who are consistently in crisis I notice a common theme. They are always consumed with themselves and their small picture. They don’t know that Japan is in distress, they don’t know who Khadafy is or what he has done to his people, they don’t know what Gitmo is. They don’t realize that having a place to live and food to eat makes them so much more fortunate than so many others on.  I and many others believe that if we aren’t aware of all people and their triumphs AND troubles, we can’t really be aware of ourselves. 

 

How can you be aware of your true self if you aren’t aware of all of things that affect you and your life? All the components and factors in your life ARE your life….the big picture.  A person with anxiety may show up in my office asking me to do something about the anxiety. I can give him a pill (ask our medical staff actually) and make his brain react differently to the big picture. He will actually feel better but his life will not be better. He would have to look at why he gets anxious and work on that. I teach REBT and firmly believe thoughts precede emotion. I also believe that serotonin and other neurotransmitters may be malfunctioning for any number of reasons. Therefore, a combination of medication and rational thinking would be my preferred method of treatment, in my mind. But knowing and seeing the big picture allows us to live and function as part of it, instead of trying to survive in spite of it. It is my belief that harmony can only come when all the spokes of the wheel are aware that they don’t amount to a hill of beans without the other spokes.  And it’s to everyone’s advantage to try to understand and accept all people. We don’t have to like what others do but they are a part of our big picture as much as we are part of theirs.