Why Don't People Change?

I want happiness. I want everyone to have happiness. I know everyone can have happiness. I have seen people in the worst situations feel and express happiness. But what is it? Is it a feeling, a state of being, a personality type or some altered state?

I guess it is an altered state if it is not your usual state. When a person becomes really depressed, their brain chemicals alter and the depressed state becomes normal for them. Humans seek homeostasis or what we are used to. It’s one of the reasons we choose an abusive partner after watching domestic violence between our parents. But… that is our normal and we choose abusive partners because we learned to choose this by watching our parents in addition to seeking what we are used to. 

I have worked with so many depressed people who get anxious when things get “good”. They simply aren’t used to it. I work in helping them “put up with happiness” until it starts to become their new normal.  Ever wonder why people return to old dysfunctional behaviors?  That’s why. It’s much more comfortable.  It’s easier. New is always more difficult because it leaves you uneasy from being different.

  
There is a Stress Measurement Test in which you are allocated a number value for stressful events in your life. You total them to see how stressed you are. Now remember, it measures STRESS. It includes things like death of a loved one and loss of a job. However, it also includes the following: Christmas, marital reconciliation, buying a new home, vacation and outstanding personal achievement!  Why would something that most would think makes one happy be considered stressful?  Because we are not used to it. It is not our norm.

http://www.cliving.org/lifestresstest.htm

Therefore, if you are not very happy, you are going to feel some discomfort in being happy. But if you stick with it, you will be glad you did. Being depressed and sad becomes a way of life for some people. It’s how they relate to the world. Hello, my name is John and I am depressed. So what to do about it all?

It’s simple but not easy, I say that a lot. We will be the way we choose to be. We will be what we tell ourselves we will be. Clients say they don’t know why they are sad. They don’t know why they can’t find a job. They don’t know why they don’t have friends. I am thinking of a client in particular who likes to rent sad movies, play depressing music and isolate. Why would anyone begin to feel happy in that situation?  If you were to stroll through a cemetery on a stormy night or along a path on a sunny day would you feel the same way?  No.  Think about why. There are plenty of studies that show that the colors of walls, music and weather can affect a person’s mood and their behaviors. So changing the things that make us feel sad will help us feel better.

Not everyone wants to feel better because the payoff for feeling poorly is more than what it would be to change.  If someone told you that you had to leave very important parts of you behind in order to go on a nice journey, it would leave you to pause, at the very least. 

I use the therapy method seen in the following video to assist me when I need to put things in perspective and move forward. I hope you find it useful also.

It's simple but not easy.

If my love helps, I am more than happy to give you some, I have plenty.

Tim

Why Can't I Be Gandhi?

I am a counselor. I asked my group to answer this question: What do you say or believe you can’t do, but in reality, you won’t, for whatever reason. I was amazed at their insightful and thought provoking answers.

-I can’t forgive my sister.

-I can’t trust anyone.

-I can’t change my relationship.

-I can’t stop judging other people.

We discussed how they can do all of the above and it was really rather simple but not easy.

I then talked about how I find myself judging others again and again.

Since then, I have been trying to figure out why I judge others. What is my pay off? People only do what provides some sort of pay off. I can usually readily spot the pay off. Do I judge others because I want them to do things the way I think they should? Number one irrational belief: Expecting others to do what you think they should. Yes, I do want others to do as I wish they would. I wish some of my co-workers would do things with their clients that I want them to. I see the clients not doing well and I want the clients to do well. Am I so noble and selfless that my concern for the clients is behind this? Or am I judging the work of my fellow clinicians? Cold hard truth, I am. Maybe if I just admit that, I will let it go. 

Don’t I have an ethical responsibility to care about the outcome of the clients you ask?  Yes, I do.  Does thinking someone else is not doing a good job with them really an issue? Maybe those clients just “look like” they aren’t doing well. See how convoluted it gets? It goes round and round….

I want to be tolerant and more Zen. I want to realize what I can change and what I can’t. I want to do things based on a noble agenda. I want to be more outside me and my selfish desires. It’s not all about me, that is the answer. Counselors are going to do things by interjecting their own beliefs and experiences and not based on what works well. Counselors are going to try to resolve their own issues via their clients. Counselors are going to continue doing the same thing again and again even though it doesn’t work. Some doctors are going to treat younger people with more interest and even care than the elderly. Judges are going to give their friends a break in the court room. Mechanics are going to try to take advantage of women. All of these things, that irk the hell out of me, are going to happen. I can only do what I think it right and honorable, in my mind. I have to let all the rest happen. Do I really have a choice? After all, they probably think the same about me.