How should it be?

My life is out of order this week. I struggle with “shoulds” and other people’s behavior. Does the apostrophe come after the e or the s in the prior sentence? I should write that correctly. My wife and I are being laid off from our jobs later this year. I should be happy to have a job, right? (I am.) A religious “outfit” is taking over our clinics. Cynicism on my part? Yes. Judgemental? For sure.

My wife works at the Mental Health Clinic. The clinic I work at is part of that system. The local government has decided to close both clinics to save money “in these difficult times.”  I guess it’s okay to fund mental health and addiction services when times are not so tough. The mentally ill and addicted may have different opinions about that. My opinion on that at this point, you ask? I am not really sure. Even those people’s behavior is starting to make me wonder. Shouldn’t they be doing something to help themselves, I find myself asking. Shouldn’t they stop having child after child to abuse and misuse? Shouldn’t they stop smoking cigarettes when they can’t afford food? Shouldn’t they stop working under the table and collecting social “entitlements” at the same time?  It IS fraud after all. Am I just angry that many make more money than I while doing this? I must admit that I don’t like that. I am not liking self absorbed people today. To be rational is to understand their motives. That understanding is closer to the surface of my mind at different times, now doesn’t seem to be one of them. 

I read a blog, written by a friend’s friend, about how he and his wife help people in Honduras. These people have nothing. They do have respect however. The women are considered little more than property and start having children when they are children, not by choice. He and his wife help build homes for them, give them medical care and show them positive regard.  
Check it out: http://stevestitanicswimteam.blogspot.com/2011/04/honduras-update-week-at-base-and-home.html

In the face of that, I listen to overindulged Americans complain and complain some more about what they don’t have and how horrible their lives are. I do the same thing. I don’t like that.

I spend time trying to understand, anticipate and deal with others’ behavior. Why? What I have concluded is this: I am not a solitary mindful person. I can be a mindful man but I am part of a greater whole. I am part of the big picture. I behave in ways that irk the hell out of others. I behave in ways that comfort and please others. I do the very thing that I am complaining about in them. I also do the very thing that I seek from others. We are all in this together and we would all be much better off with greater reflection and understanding of the human condition. I will continue to work at that because I choose to. How SHOULD things be? Just as they are for there is no other way at this moment. 

 

Analysis - Part 3 I Have Hole in My Sidewalk

This will follow the same format as Part 2. 

Chapter 3
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in... it's a habit. 
But, my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.


Person: In chapter 3 we finally realize that we're part of the problem and take responsibility for our situation, "It's my fault" and "I get out immediately." We realize that we did something, or failed to do something, which has caused us to land in the same hole again. We recognize the pattern and begin to ask questions such as, "What am I thinking and doing that is causing me to land in this hole again?" Instead of looking for ways to change others we begin to look for ways to change ourselves. We finally accept personal responsiblity for landing in the hole!

Tim: Chapter 3 illustrates the realization that what we have been doing is not working, to put it simply. I teach REBT and continually measure efficacy with the client. Are things changing for the better? Is the person feeling better, the same or worse?  Is the person willing to change irrational thinking that leads to falling in the hole? Or is the person getting some kind of payoff for dysfunctional behavior, which happens often. With those people I try to help them work toward the realization that even though they resist changing current non helpful  beliefs, it is possible to have a better life. And that it is okay to choose to do whatever they wish but distress will come from irrational beliefs (beliefs that do not make life better). However, if they choose those beliefs they can probably easily see the distress being caused by that. My mantra is:  Don't look at what people say, look at how they are doing. 

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it. 

Person: In chapter 4 we begin to change our thinking and behavior and soon we're having new and different experiences. You have gained a bigger perspective and a deeper understanding of yourself. 

Tim:  We realize that we can actually have a better life. We can feel better mentally which causes us to feel better physically. People start treating us differently, in a better and healthy way. We start to see what our past behavior was about and are willing to let go of it. It's a great responsibility to grow up and take care of ourselves. It  is the only way we can be free enough to experience joy. What's the saying, if you keep doing what you are doing, you will get what you've always got? In chapter 4 we haven't gotten away from our dysfunctional behavior (the hole). But we see it and avoid it best we can. We are learning skills needed to avoid it. 

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

Person: In chapter 5, we have grown and matured, we've moved on.  We're walking down new and more interesting streets....!

Tim: Chapter 5 illustrates a new and healthier way of thinking that leads to new and interesting pursuits in life. The revolving door of emotions stops and we start to feel good a lot of the time, to our own surprise. People find us more interesting. Opportunities seem to appear for us. It's because we open ourselves to such things now. It's all about what we tell ourselves and it's all about what we concentrate on.  We will be what we think we will be and we will go where we think we are going to go. Happiness is an option. So is angst and depression. Which will you choose?

I realize that so many live in misery and don't intend for that to happen. They don't know a different way. They may also have well meaning friends and  professionals supporting irrational thinking.  What I would ask of those people is to examine what is happening in your life. How do you feel emotionally?  How much hope and optimism do you have?  Do you feel joy?  If not, perhaps some honest self examination and a change in thinking is in order?  It's up to you however.

 

Your rational nemesis, Tim

Analysis or Part 2 of The Hole in the Sidewalk

In my last blog post I presented the poem, "There's a Hole in My Sidewalk," by Portia Nelson. In this post I will write an analysis of the poem. I have a rather well written analysis with no author cited. Therefore, it will be credited to "Person" I will add my own comments within the context of this post as well and will preface those comments with "Tim". 

Chapter 1

I walk down the street

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk

I fall in

I am lost

I am helpless

It isn’t my fault

It takes forever to find a way out.

Person: This is a great analogy that describes the process of change that we all experience as we  journey through life………let’s take a closer look.

Chapter 1 is where we initially find ourselves. We have identified that we need to change, “I fall in, I am lost…” but have not taken responsibility for, “It isn’t my fault.” This is the first step in the process of change is to recognize that we have a problem.

 

 

Tim: I copied the above as written. The grammatical error “is not my fault”. Couldn’t  resist.

 Back to the matter at hand.  Some folks take umbrage with the “it isn’t my fault” part of chapter 1. It’s important to note that the “it” that she is referring to is not things that have happened in one’s life that are not your fault. The “it” refers to self destructive and deleterious life patterns that we have chosen in reaction to our problems.   Falling in the hole represents those patterns that get us nowhere. Realizing that they aren’t working or allowing for the positive change that would make us healthier is to realize there is a problem. It is not referring to original life problems.

Chapter 2

I walk down the street

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk

I pretend I don’t see it.

I fall in again.

I can’t believe I am in the same place.

But it isn’t my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

Person:   In chapter 2 we fall in the hole, we can’t believe we’ve fallen in the same hole one more time! We still haven’t taken responsibility for changing, “It isn’t my fault” and  “It still takes a long time go get out.” Why do I keep falling in this hole? Who’s doing this to me? If other people would just do things in the right way my life would be much easier.

Tim:  ( Okay, so maybe that wasn’t the best writing by Person.)  In my analysis, the person, representing any of us, realized in chapter 1 that things are not going well in certain areas of life or perhaps in life overall.  We realized there is a problem.  Usually the problem is that our life is not getting  better because of the way we are reacting and choosing to think about it.  Ah, yes, irrational behavior!  Even though we came to realize that some sort of problem exists, we choose not to think it has anything to do with how we are coping. We don’t take responsibility for the state of affairs called our life.  Someone or something else makes us do what we do. We don’t have the power to control our life as it is. We convince ourselves these are true statements. So when we see the problem (the hole) we dismiss it (pretend it isn’t there) and fall in the hole again (resume our dysfunctional behavior.)

I’ll continue the last three chapters in the next blog.

I want to thank Widow-Lady for knighting me officially with the hero name:

Your rational nemesis, Tim  

Why Do We Keep Falling in the Hole?

Chapter 1


I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in
I am lost
I am helpless
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2.

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don't see it.

I fall in again.

I can't believe I am in this same place. 

But it isn't my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3. 

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it is there.

I still fall in... it's a habit.

But, my eyes are open.

I know where I am.

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

Chapter 4. 

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.      

Chapter 5. 

I walk down another street. 

Does this apply to anything in your life?  I can always find something that I am avoiding or not dealing well with and find this poem to be such a great reminder of our own control of our life. I will write someone's analysis of this poem, along with my own analysis. What is yours?

  Tim

Why Don't People Change?

I want happiness. I want everyone to have happiness. I know everyone can have happiness. I have seen people in the worst situations feel and express happiness. But what is it? Is it a feeling, a state of being, a personality type or some altered state?

I guess it is an altered state if it is not your usual state. When a person becomes really depressed, their brain chemicals alter and the depressed state becomes normal for them. Humans seek homeostasis or what we are used to. It’s one of the reasons we choose an abusive partner after watching domestic violence between our parents. But… that is our normal and we choose abusive partners because we learned to choose this by watching our parents in addition to seeking what we are used to. 

I have worked with so many depressed people who get anxious when things get “good”. They simply aren’t used to it. I work in helping them “put up with happiness” until it starts to become their new normal.  Ever wonder why people return to old dysfunctional behaviors?  That’s why. It’s much more comfortable.  It’s easier. New is always more difficult because it leaves you uneasy from being different.

  
There is a Stress Measurement Test in which you are allocated a number value for stressful events in your life. You total them to see how stressed you are. Now remember, it measures STRESS. It includes things like death of a loved one and loss of a job. However, it also includes the following: Christmas, marital reconciliation, buying a new home, vacation and outstanding personal achievement!  Why would something that most would think makes one happy be considered stressful?  Because we are not used to it. It is not our norm.

http://www.cliving.org/lifestresstest.htm

Therefore, if you are not very happy, you are going to feel some discomfort in being happy. But if you stick with it, you will be glad you did. Being depressed and sad becomes a way of life for some people. It’s how they relate to the world. Hello, my name is John and I am depressed. So what to do about it all?

It’s simple but not easy, I say that a lot. We will be the way we choose to be. We will be what we tell ourselves we will be. Clients say they don’t know why they are sad. They don’t know why they can’t find a job. They don’t know why they don’t have friends. I am thinking of a client in particular who likes to rent sad movies, play depressing music and isolate. Why would anyone begin to feel happy in that situation?  If you were to stroll through a cemetery on a stormy night or along a path on a sunny day would you feel the same way?  No.  Think about why. There are plenty of studies that show that the colors of walls, music and weather can affect a person’s mood and their behaviors. So changing the things that make us feel sad will help us feel better.

Not everyone wants to feel better because the payoff for feeling poorly is more than what it would be to change.  If someone told you that you had to leave very important parts of you behind in order to go on a nice journey, it would leave you to pause, at the very least. 

I use the therapy method seen in the following video to assist me when I need to put things in perspective and move forward. I hope you find it useful also.

It's simple but not easy.

If my love helps, I am more than happy to give you some, I have plenty.

Tim

Why Can't I Be Gandhi?

I am a counselor. I asked my group to answer this question: What do you say or believe you can’t do, but in reality, you won’t, for whatever reason. I was amazed at their insightful and thought provoking answers.

-I can’t forgive my sister.

-I can’t trust anyone.

-I can’t change my relationship.

-I can’t stop judging other people.

We discussed how they can do all of the above and it was really rather simple but not easy.

I then talked about how I find myself judging others again and again.

Since then, I have been trying to figure out why I judge others. What is my pay off? People only do what provides some sort of pay off. I can usually readily spot the pay off. Do I judge others because I want them to do things the way I think they should? Number one irrational belief: Expecting others to do what you think they should. Yes, I do want others to do as I wish they would. I wish some of my co-workers would do things with their clients that I want them to. I see the clients not doing well and I want the clients to do well. Am I so noble and selfless that my concern for the clients is behind this? Or am I judging the work of my fellow clinicians? Cold hard truth, I am. Maybe if I just admit that, I will let it go. 

Don’t I have an ethical responsibility to care about the outcome of the clients you ask?  Yes, I do.  Does thinking someone else is not doing a good job with them really an issue? Maybe those clients just “look like” they aren’t doing well. See how convoluted it gets? It goes round and round….

I want to be tolerant and more Zen. I want to realize what I can change and what I can’t. I want to do things based on a noble agenda. I want to be more outside me and my selfish desires. It’s not all about me, that is the answer. Counselors are going to do things by interjecting their own beliefs and experiences and not based on what works well. Counselors are going to try to resolve their own issues via their clients. Counselors are going to continue doing the same thing again and again even though it doesn’t work. Some doctors are going to treat younger people with more interest and even care than the elderly. Judges are going to give their friends a break in the court room. Mechanics are going to try to take advantage of women. All of these things, that irk the hell out of me, are going to happen. I can only do what I think it right and honorable, in my mind. I have to let all the rest happen. Do I really have a choice? After all, they probably think the same about me.

What's it all about anyway?

I work in a clinic as a counselor. We "treat" addicts and mentally ill.  (Sounds like we take them out for lunch, doesn't it? Here, let me "treat" you to lunch, heroin addict.) We assess these people to determine if they have a substance abuse problem or not. I like to ask them if they do. They usually will say yes or no, predominantly the answer is no. Then I ask them what their definition of a substance abuse problem is. (I should write a book on those answers.) My point here?  We all judge things by our own definition of those things. What is a good Mom, who is a kind person, was Jared Loughen crazy? Was he anti-establishment? Was he just pissed off?

I teach cognitive behavioral therapy. I stress again and again, that our working definitions of anything are so important. It’s those definitions that we use to view the world through and more importantly judge. Being kind: a heroin addict gives some of his heroin to another addict who has run out. Being kind: Arresting the heroin addicts so they are "helped." Being kind: Allowing them to choose their own course in life. Feel free to add further definitions of “kind” in this scenario.  Our society has split and we are warring against each other. We aren’t Americans anymore. We are Republicans or Democrats, Gay or straight, for the President, against the President and on it goes. We have always disagreed and judged based on our definition of things but we didn’t carry signs of our President being hung by the KKK. We didn’t say people should be targeted and “taken out”. Rush Limbaugh has power based on what? He is a drug addict and was “preaching” while under the influence. What are we thinking? Sarah Palin is a gorgeous woman, by my definition, but I don’t want someone who says to her child, “Don’t retreat, reload” to be in charge of our position in the world.  A good President:  Doesn’t take crap from any world leader.  A good President: Shakes hands and bows to world leaders according to custom.  A good President: Gives all Americans health care.  A good president: Doesn’t steal taxes to give healthcare to Americans who can’t afford it.  The “right” way to live: Capitalism. The “wrong” way to live: Socialism. 

 A new age saying: It is what it is.  I say, no, it is what you think it is and don't believe everything you think. Choose love and respect for all.