Why Don't People Change?

I want happiness. I want everyone to have happiness. I know everyone can have happiness. I have seen people in the worst situations feel and express happiness. But what is it? Is it a feeling, a state of being, a personality type or some altered state?

I guess it is an altered state if it is not your usual state. When a person becomes really depressed, their brain chemicals alter and the depressed state becomes normal for them. Humans seek homeostasis or what we are used to. It’s one of the reasons we choose an abusive partner after watching domestic violence between our parents. But… that is our normal and we choose abusive partners because we learned to choose this by watching our parents in addition to seeking what we are used to. 

I have worked with so many depressed people who get anxious when things get “good”. They simply aren’t used to it. I work in helping them “put up with happiness” until it starts to become their new normal.  Ever wonder why people return to old dysfunctional behaviors?  That’s why. It’s much more comfortable.  It’s easier. New is always more difficult because it leaves you uneasy from being different.

  
There is a Stress Measurement Test in which you are allocated a number value for stressful events in your life. You total them to see how stressed you are. Now remember, it measures STRESS. It includes things like death of a loved one and loss of a job. However, it also includes the following: Christmas, marital reconciliation, buying a new home, vacation and outstanding personal achievement!  Why would something that most would think makes one happy be considered stressful?  Because we are not used to it. It is not our norm.

http://www.cliving.org/lifestresstest.htm

Therefore, if you are not very happy, you are going to feel some discomfort in being happy. But if you stick with it, you will be glad you did. Being depressed and sad becomes a way of life for some people. It’s how they relate to the world. Hello, my name is John and I am depressed. So what to do about it all?

It’s simple but not easy, I say that a lot. We will be the way we choose to be. We will be what we tell ourselves we will be. Clients say they don’t know why they are sad. They don’t know why they can’t find a job. They don’t know why they don’t have friends. I am thinking of a client in particular who likes to rent sad movies, play depressing music and isolate. Why would anyone begin to feel happy in that situation?  If you were to stroll through a cemetery on a stormy night or along a path on a sunny day would you feel the same way?  No.  Think about why. There are plenty of studies that show that the colors of walls, music and weather can affect a person’s mood and their behaviors. So changing the things that make us feel sad will help us feel better.

Not everyone wants to feel better because the payoff for feeling poorly is more than what it would be to change.  If someone told you that you had to leave very important parts of you behind in order to go on a nice journey, it would leave you to pause, at the very least. 

I use the therapy method seen in the following video to assist me when I need to put things in perspective and move forward. I hope you find it useful also.

It's simple but not easy.

If my love helps, I am more than happy to give you some, I have plenty.

Tim

Why Can't I Be Gandhi?

I am a counselor. I asked my group to answer this question: What do you say or believe you can’t do, but in reality, you won’t, for whatever reason. I was amazed at their insightful and thought provoking answers.

-I can’t forgive my sister.

-I can’t trust anyone.

-I can’t change my relationship.

-I can’t stop judging other people.

We discussed how they can do all of the above and it was really rather simple but not easy.

I then talked about how I find myself judging others again and again.

Since then, I have been trying to figure out why I judge others. What is my pay off? People only do what provides some sort of pay off. I can usually readily spot the pay off. Do I judge others because I want them to do things the way I think they should? Number one irrational belief: Expecting others to do what you think they should. Yes, I do want others to do as I wish they would. I wish some of my co-workers would do things with their clients that I want them to. I see the clients not doing well and I want the clients to do well. Am I so noble and selfless that my concern for the clients is behind this? Or am I judging the work of my fellow clinicians? Cold hard truth, I am. Maybe if I just admit that, I will let it go. 

Don’t I have an ethical responsibility to care about the outcome of the clients you ask?  Yes, I do.  Does thinking someone else is not doing a good job with them really an issue? Maybe those clients just “look like” they aren’t doing well. See how convoluted it gets? It goes round and round….

I want to be tolerant and more Zen. I want to realize what I can change and what I can’t. I want to do things based on a noble agenda. I want to be more outside me and my selfish desires. It’s not all about me, that is the answer. Counselors are going to do things by interjecting their own beliefs and experiences and not based on what works well. Counselors are going to try to resolve their own issues via their clients. Counselors are going to continue doing the same thing again and again even though it doesn’t work. Some doctors are going to treat younger people with more interest and even care than the elderly. Judges are going to give their friends a break in the court room. Mechanics are going to try to take advantage of women. All of these things, that irk the hell out of me, are going to happen. I can only do what I think it right and honorable, in my mind. I have to let all the rest happen. Do I really have a choice? After all, they probably think the same about me.

What's it all about anyway?

I work in a clinic as a counselor. We "treat" addicts and mentally ill.  (Sounds like we take them out for lunch, doesn't it? Here, let me "treat" you to lunch, heroin addict.) We assess these people to determine if they have a substance abuse problem or not. I like to ask them if they do. They usually will say yes or no, predominantly the answer is no. Then I ask them what their definition of a substance abuse problem is. (I should write a book on those answers.) My point here?  We all judge things by our own definition of those things. What is a good Mom, who is a kind person, was Jared Loughen crazy? Was he anti-establishment? Was he just pissed off?

I teach cognitive behavioral therapy. I stress again and again, that our working definitions of anything are so important. It’s those definitions that we use to view the world through and more importantly judge. Being kind: a heroin addict gives some of his heroin to another addict who has run out. Being kind: Arresting the heroin addicts so they are "helped." Being kind: Allowing them to choose their own course in life. Feel free to add further definitions of “kind” in this scenario.  Our society has split and we are warring against each other. We aren’t Americans anymore. We are Republicans or Democrats, Gay or straight, for the President, against the President and on it goes. We have always disagreed and judged based on our definition of things but we didn’t carry signs of our President being hung by the KKK. We didn’t say people should be targeted and “taken out”. Rush Limbaugh has power based on what? He is a drug addict and was “preaching” while under the influence. What are we thinking? Sarah Palin is a gorgeous woman, by my definition, but I don’t want someone who says to her child, “Don’t retreat, reload” to be in charge of our position in the world.  A good President:  Doesn’t take crap from any world leader.  A good President: Shakes hands and bows to world leaders according to custom.  A good President: Gives all Americans health care.  A good president: Doesn’t steal taxes to give healthcare to Americans who can’t afford it.  The “right” way to live: Capitalism. The “wrong” way to live: Socialism. 

 A new age saying: It is what it is.  I say, no, it is what you think it is and don't believe everything you think. Choose love and respect for all.

Why can't we talk?

It bothers me that we Americans don’t feel comfortable discussing things that we disagree about. Politics, religion, homosexuality, abortion, the list goes on and on. How can we expect our government to work in a bipartisan manner when our society as a whole avoids discussing the “issues”?  We are split, the Left and the Right, the believers and nonbelievers, the Gay the Straight and on goes that list. It’s my opinion that it’s okay to be anywhere on all of those continuums. They ARE all ranges, no one is totally one sexual orientation, no one believes ALL of what their political party espouses, etc. We fall on a continuum. I am sure that no matter how different you are from another, the two of you believe the same about something. People tend to steer toward like minded people because they support and validate their beliefs. I teach REBT, a form of cognitive behavioral therapy. One of the first things I say to my clients is that so many say that they don’t want to be like their parents when in fact they hold the same beliefs as their parents. A racist probably has a racist parent. A Republican was most likely raised by at least one Republican. Why?  We learn and internalize our beliefs and views by the age of seven by copying our parents’ behavior. It’s really simple. How many people really know why they believe what they do? I asked the homophobic people why they believe it’s wrong for the same gender to love each other. Many times they will say, “I was raised that was or I don’t know, it’s just wrong”.   

My beef about it all?  We have turned into a split and adversarial society. One side AGAINST the other. I have good friends who have very different views on some issues. They don’t and won’t discuss those things however. It bothers me that we have to avoid issues because we disagree. It’s okay to disagree. You may be wrong, I may be wrong about an issue and perhaps discussion would shift one of us. What has happened is that we don’t discuss disagreeable issues and those beliefs become firmly entrenched. Then we are not even open to consider that we may be wrong. Being open to discussion, even about things you disagree about is not something our culture teaches us. After all, we are Capitalists and competition is the key to success?  Right?  No….     Things will not improve until we can be open to discussion of all issues without hate and retaliation.

Judgementalism

I've been too judgmental. I want to not be that way. Nothing makes me any more worthy than anyone else. The lines are blurred between enabling, judging negatively and positive regard. I've always believed in the Golden Rule and yet I violate it in my mind. Sometimes I forget the cause and effect of behavior. I'm glad I am thinking about this, now THAT makes me feel better. 

I realize what a lot of negativity there is in the world and all around us, and how easy it is to become part of that negativity and to be sucked into it and become part of the chaos and confusion if one isn't very careful. 

--Eileen Caddy

Rebecca, thanks for the quote..

Rational Emotional Behavior Therapy and Mr REBT

At work my co-workers and clients call me Mr REBT.  I teach it and try to employ it in my own life. It is a form of therapy that teaches that it is not what happens to you that causes you to feel and act the way you do. It is how you view what happened or is happening or will happen. When a woman has an abortion, a pro choice and a pro life person react differently. It's not because a woman had an abortion. Their reactions are based on what they believe about abortion, not the abortion itself. (This post is NOT ABOUT ABORTION.) REBT is a form of cognitive behavioral therapy. REBT is very being in the present oriented. The past is over and the future doesn't exist.

REBT implies that if you think rationally you will be happier and your life will be better. Rational means based in reality. If you can say what you are thinking makes your life better, NO MATTER WHAT IT IS, then it is rational. I challenge anyone to come up with something rational that does not make your life better. REBT teaches unconditional self acceptance and unconditional other acceptance.

If you are interested in REBT, let's discuss it. It works. It has been studied like hell and is a best practice model in addiction and mental health treatment. The true test is, they use it in Business. Imagine?!

Apply Within

Position: Friends and Acquaintances
Salary: Opportunity to discuss and get feedback from someone like you, not easy to find.

Requirements:  Liberal, broad minded, atheist, agnostic or a God person who's God accepts everyone and what they do, able to see the big picture and not totally self focused.

If you live in Eastern Canada, I need to talk with you!