What Now?

I’m low on energy and motivation. I recently fractured my T1 vertebra at the top of my back and sustained other injuries that are much better this week. I don’t remember what happened but to make is short, I fell and did all this. Inside my living room. I took a lot of Lortab and valium. I think it has messed with my energy and happiness factors.

I will be 62 in June of this year, 2012. I was laid off from my job in December 2011. I was ready for it. Working with court mandated drug addicts who are mostly interested in beating the system became maddening work for me and most of my coworkers. The system of service delivery was not supportive of change nor did they care how burned out we were. In our culture, “helping” people is about numbers to support funding allocation and bottom line about money. We live in a capitalist society. Treatment of people gets in the way of making money now. We are a NOW culture, immediate gratification perpetuated by a media that says get what you want and get it now.

My wife and I and our close friend, Teri, plan on leaving NY State because it is too expensive for old farts to live in. I have been pursuing moving to Canada. That is really difficult at best. Following this injury and some time having to “rest” had lead me to ponder what this last phase of my life is all about. I don’t have children or family that most people seem to dedicate their lives to when they get old in our society. I don’t really have roots anywhere because I have lived all over the place, mostly in NY State, throughout my life. It leaves me feeling lost. Will someone hire me for a few more years at this age? My retirement is not enough to do much with. Dreams of travel are foolish at this point. Where to live and what to do is what I am trying to come up with. I have looked at Canada, Burlington Vt and Asheville, NC. I want to live near other liberal Democrats, especially ones who like other people.

So here I sit, wondering where the road goes when two other people expect me to read the map as we wander. What is it about old age that we are supposed to enjoy? I continue to have nightmares about nursing homes. It’s like I am ending my life before it’s over. Not rational. I seek rational.