I am a counselor. I asked my group to answer this question: What do you say or believe you can’t do, but in reality, you won’t, for whatever reason. I was amazed at their insightful and thought provoking answers.
-I can’t forgive my sister.
-I can’t trust anyone.
-I can’t change my relationship.
-I can’t stop judging other people.
We discussed how they can do all of the above and it was really rather simple but not easy.
I then talked about how I find myself judging others again and again.
Since then, I have been trying to figure out why I judge others. What is my pay off? People only do what provides some sort of pay off. I can usually readily spot the pay off. Do I judge others because I want them to do things the way I think they should? Number one irrational belief: Expecting others to do what you think they should. Yes, I do want others to do as I wish they would. I wish some of my co-workers would do things with their clients that I want them to. I see the clients not doing well and I want the clients to do well. Am I so noble and selfless that my concern for the clients is behind this? Or am I judging the work of my fellow clinicians? Cold hard truth, I am. Maybe if I just admit that, I will let it go.
Don’t I have an ethical responsibility to care about the outcome of the clients you ask? Yes, I do. Does thinking someone else is not doing a good job with them really an issue? Maybe those clients just “look like” they aren’t doing well. See how convoluted it gets? It goes round and round….
I want to be tolerant and more Zen. I want to realize what I can change and what I can’t. I want to do things based on a noble agenda. I want to be more outside me and my selfish desires. It’s not all about me, that is the answer. Counselors are going to do things by interjecting their own beliefs and experiences and not based on what works well. Counselors are going to try to resolve their own issues via their clients. Counselors are going to continue doing the same thing again and again even though it doesn’t work. Some doctors are going to treat younger people with more interest and even care than the elderly. Judges are going to give their friends a break in the court room. Mechanics are going to try to take advantage of women. All of these things, that irk the hell out of me, are going to happen. I can only do what I think it right and honorable, in my mind. I have to let all the rest happen. Do I really have a choice? After all, they probably think the same about me.
Don't we all judge? Some just aren't courageous enough to admit it....but when we judge do we judge also ourselves....do we see it as wrong or right because that's the way are mind is set... what if we are the ones that are wrong? yes it's very complicated ....quite a provoking post.... pondering away...as always ...XOXOXO
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post, Tim! I was wondering the other day when another thought provoking post was coming from your mind! If it wouldn't offend you I'd like to share your blog on my Facebook page, and put it on my blog roll on my own blog. Please, let me know if that is ok with you.
ReplyDeleteI think letting go of judgement is one of the most beautiful, and hardest, journeys all people who are trying to make themselves better have to take. I don't think it is optional, but I also don't think it is a destination as much as it truly is a journey.
I had to giggle at the last line of your post...as an REBT counselor I know you know you have a choice! That was so witty!!
You have one of the most noble professions, helping other people, but also a frustrating one. And in your specific case I don't think I see judgement in you as much as the frustration. You take people who lack the proper tools to "fix" the situations they are in that cause them pain. You hand them those tools, and then have to watch helplessly as they flirt with picking them up, looking at them, then sometimes putting them down and going back to the tools they used that got them to the bad place. And you can apply that to your peers as well.
Bottom line, fine post, beautiful and thought provoking!
Very interesting, post. I appreciate your honesty. I have been to a counselor where I have felt as if I was being judged unfavorably. As a client, it was counterproductive to my well being so I had to cease treatment with that person. As much as we try not to judge we all do to some extent. I guess the best course of action to deal with our judgments is to live and let live, walk away, or call the police!
ReplyDeleteBongo,
ReplyDeleteYes, we all judge. Judging is a part of life. We judge cars when we buy them, we judge babysitters before we use them. My goal it to judge based on fact instead of prejudice and narrow mindedness. As far as right or wrong... I don't think I believe in right or wrong. LY, Tim
Widow_Lady,
ReplyDeleteOf course you can share or put my blog anywhere you want to. I would never be offended. It's a compliment. smile
I love what you say. Giving up being judgmental is a journey, you are soooo right. Life is full of people and situations that are constantly presenting themselves so that I can learn to be tolerant. The truly wonderful thing about life is that every day is a new day to start anew.
Thanks for your kinds words as always. LY, Tim
Sweepy Jean,
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you had that experience with a counselor. If a counselor is not hearing you or you feel as you did, it's best to move on. I commend you for being proactive in that. TY, Tim
Sometimes it is easier for me to try to keep in mind that with every action I am setting an example for someone instead of judging them. God didn't place me on this earth to judge. That is His job. I try hard to refrain from judgement of others as most time you don't know the whole story behind their action or words anyhow. Even a judge has to have all the facts before him before he makes a judgement. People tend to forget that and allow themselves to fall into a situation that they begin making assumptions. It's too easy for that. I stay away from it:)
ReplyDeleteMary,
ReplyDeleteYou make some great points, I like them. smile Yes, people tend to make assumptions without knowing the facts, I agree. Having come from working in the court system, I'm not so sure all "judgments" are based on fact, but that's another story. We also need to remember that judging is not always bad, we use it to determine what is best for us to do in many situations. TY, Tim
Do we judge based on facts or assumptions? No matter which, judgment passed about others or on to others is a judgment on our inner self as well. I can only judge my actions and speech. Do I have a right to judge others? Not really, I can only try to understand their journey or path.
ReplyDeleteI am not perfect and have found myself quick to judge but have also found myself quick to stop. Understanding the process is a step forward.
Namaste
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteYoga,
ReplyDeleteWe judge based on facts and assumptions. We judge based on our own knowledge base and beliefs. We judge based on what we have been taught. I like your statement about it being a judgment of our inner self. When you think about it, how could we judge in someone else what we don't know or experience about ourselves?
As far as judging not being okay, I would have to disagree. To judge merely means to form an opinion about. Humans naturally do this. We must do this in order to survive. We "judge" what is safe and what isn't. Are we always right, no? But our survival instincts cause us to judge people and situations. In my mind, judging is not wrong. Being unkind is not too cool but judging is a natural process. It is not an evil act. TY, Tim